[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
You Might Also Like
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.