in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
You Might Also Like
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.