Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
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Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Well, this is awkward
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.