Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
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If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
boat question
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
my dad has had enough
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.