Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
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Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Kermit goes Blue.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”