“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
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[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.