– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
You Might Also Like
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
“I FIXED IT!”
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
@knotta_tardfan’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
I found your tweet-up…