I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
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usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Me irl
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No