Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
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shut up and take my money
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
God has left this place
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.