Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
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I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.