Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
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I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
lol
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
…żyje?
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
These aren’t even hard anymore.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog: