[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
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March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
I really had high hopes for this year though
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.