YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
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Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
I just love that new Pope smell.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.