I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
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Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Selfie
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
mmm onion ringos
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.