I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
You Might Also Like
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…