The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
You Might Also Like
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
#Caturday
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex