Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
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[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.