saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
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Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do