Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
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My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid