disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
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October already? What’s next? November????
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Nice try Hitler
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Always 🥴
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
It’s a gift
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.