Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
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If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
I enjoy a good short stor
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?