Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
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Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Love is always patient and kind.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.