Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
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Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me