She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
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Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse