You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
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Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Happy Friday
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful