funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
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Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
accurate
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*