I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
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Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda