My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
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Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
me hitting on a model
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.