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every For Him gift guide is just like βhave you considered sock?? what about TOOL??β
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
For Halloween Iβm just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Give a man a fish & heβll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
If the kids canβt find something I say βI think itβs in the carβ then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: iβm a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
the red hot silly peppers
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Muppet Screams
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and heβs losing his shit.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.