Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
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You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN