It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
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me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Clients after you give them your rates
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
doing your own taxes
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.