Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
You Might Also Like
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Meat Cute
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.