Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
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me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
what?
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??