If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
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I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.