George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
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If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July