[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
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I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
When ur friends with white people
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids