girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
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And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
finally found a reasonable question
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Breaking news:
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace