Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
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[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
What the hell is going on?
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”