“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
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6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
#TopTip
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”