Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
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I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.