Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
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Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Air conditioning – not a fan
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction