I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
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The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Who.
Did.
This?
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house