I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
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i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales