Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
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*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
man: wait
time: no
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”