Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
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Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.