[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
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[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.