I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
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“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”