ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
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Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush