3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
You Might Also Like
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Mummies are just super modest zombies
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.