I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
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Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.